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I have listened to Mark bitch about it.  I have listened to my kids preach to me what they have learned about the dangers of it.  Heard all of the stories.  On and on and on… It is so freaking disgusting that this one area of life people feel the need to put their two cents in regardless of how the recipient feels about the subject.

SHUT UP ALREADY.

Good intentions or not, when you are a smoker, it doesn’t matter AT ALL what a non-smoker says.  Who cares.  Shut up.

Ok, with that said…  I have spent hundreds of dollars above and beyond a pack of cigarettes to try to quit smoking.  Patches, gum, laser bla bla bla, none of which worked.

The patch was used in conjunction with a vacation.  Why not quit smoking while we are away with two babies visiting the in-laws?  What a grandiose idea.  Made sense since I was the only smoker in the state of Minnesota.  I had to buy the gum as well as slap on the patch.  By day two I was chewing and slapping everyone’s head off.  I didn’t know that it would feel like losing a best friend.  A companion that was always with me no matter what.  I didn’t realize that I had to go through such sadness because I was denying myself the comfort of a puff of Virginia Slim’s Menthol Light 120’s.  This absolute misery was not worth putting my kids, husband and his whole family through this torture with me.  I bought a carton and enjoyed the rest of our vacation.

The laser treatment which cost $400 (6.66 cartons of cigs, 66 days or 9.5 weeks worth of smoking) lasted 8 weeks.  I thought I was doing this treatment for me.  But, I wasn’t.  My former boss as well as a friend’s husband both were diagnosed with lung cancer within weeks of each other.  I was so sad and scared for them.  I was determined to not have to go through the agony they were experiencing because they told me to quit smoking.  I paid $400 to do just that.

What I didn’t realize was how many times a day I smoked.  Yes, it was 20 cigs, and yes, it was always when I would answer the phone, drive without the kids in the car and the occasional social drink. I didn’t know I smoked while waiting for the dryer to stop, for water to boil, during a commercial, etc.  All of which sent me down the road to have just one puff.  I couldn’t shake the “guy on my shoulder” telling me ‘Now you need a cigarette.’  Because of the laser treatment, I really didn’t want a smoke; The problem was I never anticipated the triggers outside of the phone and car that were the HABITUAL parts of my day.  Talk about being ignorant to what you do to pass time away.  Well, I learned that I smoked.

I became a liar.  I ran to the store for one pack just to shut that guy on my shoulder up.  I was only going to do this once.  One puff, one time.  I lied.  I dug holes to hide the cigarette butts.  I lied about where the money was going.  I lied about how many days it was since my last cigarette.  I lied about how I started smoking again.  It was the stresses of my new job, Mark.

Hum.  LEAVE ME ALONE!  SHUT-UP!  I know my Dad had asthma and half of his family has lung issues.  I know that every time I light one up I am shortening my life by 10 minutes.  I know that when you are on oxygen and you light up a cig, you catch on fire.  I know! I know! I know!

I was sick last week.  I couldn’t breath.  I was coughing and sneezing just like everyone else who catches a wicked cold.  I was in bed for two days.  I knew I was getting better because by day three I could smoke a half a cigarette.  By day four, I smoked six cigarettes.  By Friday, I could use the nebulizer, go outside and smoke till my heart’s content.  I was running low on smokes and needed to go to the store.  Improper planning.  When you are sick, how do you justify going to the store to buy the three pack special without tripping the guilt alarm?  I don’t want to hear it from Mark nor my kids about bla bla bla bla.  I KNOW!!

I have one cigarette left in my Virginia Slim’s Menthol Light 120’s pack.  It has been there since Friday.  I haven’t been to the store.

This time it’s for me.  I know.

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